Stewart's Gay Dog

Stewart was gay so he taught his dog to be gay, too. He poured Miller Hi Life into the dog bowl and rubbed him underneath. Then Stewart put on a soul record and covered himself in peanut butter. He didn't stick his head out of the car window, anymore. He drooled on the backseat; the dog did, too.

"It’s not illegal for two male dogs to do it," Stewart told a co-worker, and it doesn't even look different."

Stewart thought it was silly to neuter an animal but his mom wanted to get the dog fixed. She was uncomfortable seeing it get excited so she put black tape over the ding dong like it was the blade of a hockey stick. "Get a room," she said.

Once Stewart saw blood in the toilet bowl at his mom's house; he decided he would always be gay but was unsuccessful. "Early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise," the man on the TV told Stewart, so he set his alarm for 5:30a. Even with the alarm set it was difficult to wake up early so Stewart joined a group; he knew it was easier to accomplish one's goals in the company of like-minded well-wishers.

"Not only is it gratifying to be helping others improve their productivity and quality of life, but having friends similarly committed helps keep me motivated and on track," Stewart told the imaginary interviewer at lunch on Wednesday. The interviewer looked like he was half-something and had a chin like Bruce Campbell. There were long golden hairs on his gray tweed jacket from his Labrador Retriever. "That's a big dog," Stewart thought.