Stewart Shuffles off to Buffalo

Stewart defeated his dog nearly every game at Tic Tac Toe and was anxious to test his mastery against someone else. He challenged his mom but she was busy watching her favorite soap, Fourth Horseman: the main character, Dakota just had an abortion because she discovered that the father was the surviving half of a conjoined twin separation. Stewart sat and waited while Dakota, feet still in the stir-ups, made-out with the abortion doctor .

“I’m watching my stories,” Stewart’s mom shouted so he went into the kitchen and threw skittles into the air and caught them in his mouth. “One day you’re gonna choke on them skittles, then what?” she scolded him. A commercial for Tony Robbins came on the TV and she exclaimed, “ooh, he’s almost seven feet tall!” The commercial showed a barefoot Robbins wearing tan trousers and a blue blazer,walking on hot coals; then it showed him on a yacht wearing aviator sunglasses and said he would be in Buffalo on the following Wednesday.

From the airport on Wednesday, Stewart called his mom and asked her to call his office and tell his boss that he was sick. She refused so he called Tito, his best friend, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat of his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I gotta get back; dishes don’t up and wash themselves. You think I got all day?” Tito complained. “Pretty please,” Stewart persisted.

The in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and an actor with great muscle definition. “When I get home,” Stewart told the old woman sitting beside him, “I’m gonna buy a weight bench.” The in-flight entertainment system broke down mid-flight and Stewart was left to wonder if the good guys would find the gold before the bad guys and if Goldie Hawn’s daughter would ever have sex with the fit actor.

After landing in Buffalo, Stewart proceeded to the Dollar Rent-A-Car desk. “I need something economical – good thing the cars only cost a dollar here,” Stewart smiled at the pretty young woman who was chewing gum behind the desk. “Driver’s license, please,” she responded. After getting the keys, Stewart shyly asked her to accompany him to the Gin Blossoms concert; Stewart had purchased an extra ticket in case he met someone special on his trip. She declined because her cat was “really, really sick.”

On the drive to the motel the radio played Jealousy, Stewart’s favorite Gin Blossoms song. Then another of his favorite songs, More Than Words by Extreme played and Stewart cried.

In the motel lobby Stewart found a brochure for the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in nearby Ontario: 82,000 feet. He asked the desk guy if he wanted to go to the Gin Blossoms show but the desk guy, who was black, responded, “Who? What?’

On his way to the concert Stewart hit a homeless man with his car while he was tuning the radio. He sped away from the accident and parked in a K-Mart parking lot for 35 minutes before calling the police from a pay phone.

“I just saw a bum get hit by a car,” he explained but he didn’t know the names of the streets. The police man hung up on him. Stewart drove back to the scene of the accident and saw blood on the ground but the homeless man was gone. There was an adult book store on the street; Stewart went inside to look around.

At the back of the book store was a bulletin board with ads from local people looking for sex partners. One ad showed the back side of a platinum blonde woman with a scorpion tattoo on her lower back which said, “Dominant woman seeks submissive virginal man…” Stewart ran out to the payphone and called the phone number, “My name is Stewart and I have two tickets to see the Gin Blossoms tonight if you wanna go...” he left a message on the machine. Stewart stood at the payphone and waited for 25 minutes when the police picked him up for questioning.