The police put Stewart into a holding cell with several other men. Stewart was nervous and had to defecate in the toilet in front of everyone.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” a 16 year old kid asked Stewart. Stewart looked away and gulped, “well, you seem kinda young, what are you doing in here?”
“I took this kids jacket. What?” he yelled in Stewart's face; his breath smelled like malt liquor.
In the interrogation room the policemen asked Stewart about hitting the homeless person with his car. Stewart tried to answer but he was crying and couldn’t breathe. One of the cops was wearing a Buffalo Bills jersey and a thick mustache, “And what do we have here?” he asked as he removed a skinny joint from a large manila folder containing Stewart’s property. “You’re going away from a long time, asshole,” the other cop said; he was wearing a Buffalo Sabres jersey and also had a mustache.
Later, the public defender told him it was good that he didn’t say anything because the prosecution’s only witness was a transient old woman who claimed that her Cabbage Patch doll had seen the whole thing. “It’s inadmissible,” the lawyer told Stewart, “and they can’t really arrest you for having a catnip cigarette.”
“I wanted to look cool at the Gin Blossoms concert but marijuana makes me feel really weird,” Stewart explained.
After being released Stewart drove directly to the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in Ontario. As he was originally going to the Gin Blossom’s concert he hadn’t packed swim trunks, so he wore his blue jeans. At the top of the big slide a man in a speed-o and a bathing cap introduced himself as Teddy, “my friends call me Teddy bear,” he told Stewart, “you can call me Teddy bear.”
“Anthony Robbins is a faggot,” Teddy told Stewart, “and I’ll tell you what, he don’t know dick about shit. Anybody who goes to those self-help conferences is probably a queer faggot.”
“You know what you should do, buddy, you needa get yourself the Bible, you don’t need none of that fake fire-walking bullshit. I have an extra Bible in my car for you, Stewart,” Teddy told Stewart as the water park closed. Teddy drove a late model Ford pick-up. “That’s a Hemi in there, Stewart,” he bragged.
In the dark parking lot, Teddy handed Stewart the Bible and then grabbed the side of his face and started kissing him. Stewart put his arms around Teddy and Teddy pulled away and punched Stewart in the face, “fucking faggot! I knew it, gimme that book.” Teddy grabbed the Bible and then pushed Stewart to the ground and kicked him in the ribs when a group of people approached a car parked a few spaces down. Teddy jumped into his pick-up, yelling, “you see what happens when you mess with the Teddy bear, faggot. Now, you see! Whoa!” then he spit on Stewart and drove away.
After sleeping thru his alarm Stewart awoke in his hotel room with a pounding headache, soar ribs and a black eye. There was a voice mail on the hotel phone from the platinum blonde with the scorpion tattoo on her lower back, “I’m looking for a loser named Stewart; this is Lorna form the ads at Big Mack’s Adult bookshop. Sewart better call me back or else.” Stewart got excited. He called her back but got the answering machine, again.
Having slept thru the morning session of the seminar Stewart drove toward downtown hoping to catch the second-half; however, he passed a movie theater that was showing Lethal Weapon 2 and decided to see the film, instead. Stewart bought Skittles at the concession stand and noticed that the cashier had platinum blonde hair. When she bent over to get the Skittles her sweater rode up her back and Stewart caught a peek of a scorpion tattoo on her lower back.
Stewart felt unable to breath and could hardly speak. “Thanks,” he whispered when she handed him the Skittles: she had long silver nails with diamonds embedded in them; he wondered if they were real. He stood paralyzed by the public phones trying to gather the courage to say something.
In the middle of Lethal Weapon 2, while Mel Gibson was being outrageous, brave and caring, a very tall man sat next to Stewart. After a few minutes the man spoke to him, “Stewart, why don’t you just say hello to her?” The man was almost seven feet tall and looked jut like Tony Robbins in the dark theater.
“Tony Robbins? Is that you?” Stewart asked.
“I go by many names, Stewart. What really matters is that you realize that I am within you and that the power that you see in me, is your power, your personal power,” the man responded.
“My friend Teddy says you’re gay.” Stewart replied.
“I appear in many different forms according to one’s level of understanding. The wise person sees me in all things and all things in me. The key to personal power is to feel my presence within. Would you like to feel me inside you, Stewart?” the man asked.
Stewart rose from his seat and ran into the lobby to the concession stand. “Lorna? I’m Stewart!” he told the cashier. “Meet me at 4:30, right here,” she ordered him.
At 4:30 Stewart met Lorna and they went back to her place. She had all sorts of gadgets and contraptions that he had never seen before and she tied him up and blackened his other eye; Stewart was smitten. “I’m only gonna charge you half,” she told him afterward; one hundred and twenty dollars.
After packing his things at the hotel, Stewart called Tito, who was sitting in his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I have a girlfriend!” he told Tito. “Oh really, what’s his name?” Tito responded and continued, “Dude, I only got ten minutes for break, I don’t have time for your bullshit stories,” Tito replied.
“No, seriously she’s totally hot – she’s has a tattoo of a scorpion on her lower back.” Stewart countered.
“She probably has AIDS.” Tito said.
“She doesn’t have AIDS,” Stewart said.
“Oh, man now my car phone probably has AIDS on it, from your slutty girlfriend.” Tito continued, “I gotta go, my mom said not to talk to people with AIDS, dude.”
“Dude, take it back,” Stewart demanded.
“Gotta go dude, the dishes are piling up.” Tito told him.
Airport security took Stewart into a small room for questioning on account of his two black eyes. Stewart explained the circumstances and he was released, with the warning, “domestic abuse is very serious, young man; you ought to look into some counseling.”
On the plane, the flight attendant announced that the in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold. “Sweet, everything’s coming up Stewart!” Stewart congratulated himself. The man sitting next to him was reading Awakening the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. “Hey, did you go to the seminar?” Stewart asked him. “Changed my mother fucking life, bitch,” the man assured him.
“He canceled the afternoon session today?” Stewart asked.
“No, he didn’t cancel shit,” the man answered.
“But I saw him at Lethal Weapon 2, at 1:30, he sat next to me and gave me some great advice,” Stewart said.
“No, he didn’t,” the man explained, “because he was holding it down at the convention center all afternoon. And I would advise you not to talk any more shit about Tony Robbins or I’ll kill you and then I’ll sue you for a million dollars, biotch.”
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Stewart Shuffles off to Buffalo
Stewart defeated his dog nearly every game at Tic Tac Toe and was anxious to test his mastery against someone else. He challenged his mom but she was busy watching her favorite soap, Fourth Horseman: the main character, Dakota just had an abortion because she discovered that the father was the surviving half of a conjoined twin separation. Stewart sat and waited while Dakota, feet still in the stir-ups, made-out with the abortion doctor .
“I’m watching my stories,” Stewart’s mom shouted so he went into the kitchen and threw skittles into the air and caught them in his mouth. “One day you’re gonna choke on them skittles, then what?” she scolded him. A commercial for Tony Robbins came on the TV and she exclaimed, “ooh, he’s almost seven feet tall!” The commercial showed a barefoot Robbins wearing tan trousers and a blue blazer,walking on hot coals; then it showed him on a yacht wearing aviator sunglasses and said he would be in Buffalo on the following Wednesday.
From the airport on Wednesday, Stewart called his mom and asked her to call his office and tell his boss that he was sick. She refused so he called Tito, his best friend, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat of his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I gotta get back; dishes don’t up and wash themselves. You think I got all day?” Tito complained. “Pretty please,” Stewart persisted.
The in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and an actor with great muscle definition. “When I get home,” Stewart told the old woman sitting beside him, “I’m gonna buy a weight bench.” The in-flight entertainment system broke down mid-flight and Stewart was left to wonder if the good guys would find the gold before the bad guys and if Goldie Hawn’s daughter would ever have sex with the fit actor.
After landing in Buffalo, Stewart proceeded to the Dollar Rent-A-Car desk. “I need something economical – good thing the cars only cost a dollar here,” Stewart smiled at the pretty young woman who was chewing gum behind the desk. “Driver’s license, please,” she responded. After getting the keys, Stewart shyly asked her to accompany him to the Gin Blossoms concert; Stewart had purchased an extra ticket in case he met someone special on his trip. She declined because her cat was “really, really sick.”
On the drive to the motel the radio played Jealousy, Stewart’s favorite Gin Blossoms song. Then another of his favorite songs, More Than Words by Extreme played and Stewart cried.
In the motel lobby Stewart found a brochure for the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in nearby Ontario: 82,000 feet. He asked the desk guy if he wanted to go to the Gin Blossoms show but the desk guy, who was black, responded, “Who? What?’
On his way to the concert Stewart hit a homeless man with his car while he was tuning the radio. He sped away from the accident and parked in a K-Mart parking lot for 35 minutes before calling the police from a pay phone.
“I just saw a bum get hit by a car,” he explained but he didn’t know the names of the streets. The police man hung up on him. Stewart drove back to the scene of the accident and saw blood on the ground but the homeless man was gone. There was an adult book store on the street; Stewart went inside to look around.
At the back of the book store was a bulletin board with ads from local people looking for sex partners. One ad showed the back side of a platinum blonde woman with a scorpion tattoo on her lower back which said, “Dominant woman seeks submissive virginal man…” Stewart ran out to the payphone and called the phone number, “My name is Stewart and I have two tickets to see the Gin Blossoms tonight if you wanna go...” he left a message on the machine. Stewart stood at the payphone and waited for 25 minutes when the police picked him up for questioning.
“I’m watching my stories,” Stewart’s mom shouted so he went into the kitchen and threw skittles into the air and caught them in his mouth. “One day you’re gonna choke on them skittles, then what?” she scolded him. A commercial for Tony Robbins came on the TV and she exclaimed, “ooh, he’s almost seven feet tall!” The commercial showed a barefoot Robbins wearing tan trousers and a blue blazer,walking on hot coals; then it showed him on a yacht wearing aviator sunglasses and said he would be in Buffalo on the following Wednesday.
From the airport on Wednesday, Stewart called his mom and asked her to call his office and tell his boss that he was sick. She refused so he called Tito, his best friend, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat of his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I gotta get back; dishes don’t up and wash themselves. You think I got all day?” Tito complained. “Pretty please,” Stewart persisted.
The in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and an actor with great muscle definition. “When I get home,” Stewart told the old woman sitting beside him, “I’m gonna buy a weight bench.” The in-flight entertainment system broke down mid-flight and Stewart was left to wonder if the good guys would find the gold before the bad guys and if Goldie Hawn’s daughter would ever have sex with the fit actor.
After landing in Buffalo, Stewart proceeded to the Dollar Rent-A-Car desk. “I need something economical – good thing the cars only cost a dollar here,” Stewart smiled at the pretty young woman who was chewing gum behind the desk. “Driver’s license, please,” she responded. After getting the keys, Stewart shyly asked her to accompany him to the Gin Blossoms concert; Stewart had purchased an extra ticket in case he met someone special on his trip. She declined because her cat was “really, really sick.”
On the drive to the motel the radio played Jealousy, Stewart’s favorite Gin Blossoms song. Then another of his favorite songs, More Than Words by Extreme played and Stewart cried.
In the motel lobby Stewart found a brochure for the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in nearby Ontario: 82,000 feet. He asked the desk guy if he wanted to go to the Gin Blossoms show but the desk guy, who was black, responded, “Who? What?’
On his way to the concert Stewart hit a homeless man with his car while he was tuning the radio. He sped away from the accident and parked in a K-Mart parking lot for 35 minutes before calling the police from a pay phone.
“I just saw a bum get hit by a car,” he explained but he didn’t know the names of the streets. The police man hung up on him. Stewart drove back to the scene of the accident and saw blood on the ground but the homeless man was gone. There was an adult book store on the street; Stewart went inside to look around.
At the back of the book store was a bulletin board with ads from local people looking for sex partners. One ad showed the back side of a platinum blonde woman with a scorpion tattoo on her lower back which said, “Dominant woman seeks submissive virginal man…” Stewart ran out to the payphone and called the phone number, “My name is Stewart and I have two tickets to see the Gin Blossoms tonight if you wanna go...” he left a message on the machine. Stewart stood at the payphone and waited for 25 minutes when the police picked him up for questioning.
Stewart Goes to the 24 Hour Veterinarian's
Stewart goes to the 24 Hour Veterinarian’s
It had been three months since Stewart bought the bottle of Fahrenheit cologne at the mall kiosk but was yet to get laid. The mailman accidentally spit on him on Wednesday; Stewart was standing in the rose bushes below the porch and the spit landed on his Rolling Stones Steel Wheels Tour t-shirt. "I didn't see you there, Stewart," the mailman explained but Stewart thought he sounded insincere.
At church Stewart prayed that he would get laid or at least find someone to perform oral sex on him. "I think I would be more productive at the office and I wouldn't fight with my mom as much…" he bargained with God through the intercession of Saint Jude. He paid one dollar and lit a candle. As he stared into the candle he saw a vision of Mel Gibson giving birth to a crucified child underwater.
The priest saw Stewart weeping and tried to console him, "what is the matter, my son? Are you gay, again?"
"No," Stewart explained, "Thanks to the retreat I am no longer repulsed by the idea of having sex with a woman. I love boobs, now."
"And your dog?" the priest asked.
Stewart's dog choked on his own vomit on the second Wednesday in April. They went to the emergency room but the receptionist sent everyone (Stewart, his mom, his dog and the reporter) to a 24 hour veterinarian's office located in an old house that smelled like a barn. The fluorescent lights hummed overhead. Stewart's mom was wearing oversized Umbro soccer shorts and the faux-leather couch stuck to her fat thighs and made a peeling noise when she stood up.
The receptionist wore a white lab coat so she could conduct experiments when she was not answering the phone. Stewart smiled at her thinking, "this may be the woman I will have sex with." The doctor arrived after 40 minutes and he smelled like alcohol but he did a professional job. He examined Stewart's dog and even put his gloved index finger into his rectum up to the knuckle; the dog made a strange noise like a ship's horn in the fog. Finally, he prescribed a selective semantic nuero reuptake capitulator which cured the animal. A hundred and thirty bucks.
Stewart eventually taught his dog to play Tic Tac Toe by using cardboard cut-outs of X's and O's that he rubbed in between pieces of liverwurst. In an imaginary interview on Wednesday Stewart's dog told the reporter: "A person doesn't even have time to play out one hundred games in the mind and still make a move in a reasonable amount of time. However, a human can compensate with experience and reasoning."
It had been three months since Stewart bought the bottle of Fahrenheit cologne at the mall kiosk but was yet to get laid. The mailman accidentally spit on him on Wednesday; Stewart was standing in the rose bushes below the porch and the spit landed on his Rolling Stones Steel Wheels Tour t-shirt. "I didn't see you there, Stewart," the mailman explained but Stewart thought he sounded insincere.
At church Stewart prayed that he would get laid or at least find someone to perform oral sex on him. "I think I would be more productive at the office and I wouldn't fight with my mom as much…" he bargained with God through the intercession of Saint Jude. He paid one dollar and lit a candle. As he stared into the candle he saw a vision of Mel Gibson giving birth to a crucified child underwater.
The priest saw Stewart weeping and tried to console him, "what is the matter, my son? Are you gay, again?"
"No," Stewart explained, "Thanks to the retreat I am no longer repulsed by the idea of having sex with a woman. I love boobs, now."
"And your dog?" the priest asked.
Stewart's dog choked on his own vomit on the second Wednesday in April. They went to the emergency room but the receptionist sent everyone (Stewart, his mom, his dog and the reporter) to a 24 hour veterinarian's office located in an old house that smelled like a barn. The fluorescent lights hummed overhead. Stewart's mom was wearing oversized Umbro soccer shorts and the faux-leather couch stuck to her fat thighs and made a peeling noise when she stood up.
The receptionist wore a white lab coat so she could conduct experiments when she was not answering the phone. Stewart smiled at her thinking, "this may be the woman I will have sex with." The doctor arrived after 40 minutes and he smelled like alcohol but he did a professional job. He examined Stewart's dog and even put his gloved index finger into his rectum up to the knuckle; the dog made a strange noise like a ship's horn in the fog. Finally, he prescribed a selective semantic nuero reuptake capitulator which cured the animal. A hundred and thirty bucks.
Stewart eventually taught his dog to play Tic Tac Toe by using cardboard cut-outs of X's and O's that he rubbed in between pieces of liverwurst. In an imaginary interview on Wednesday Stewart's dog told the reporter: "A person doesn't even have time to play out one hundred games in the mind and still make a move in a reasonable amount of time. However, a human can compensate with experience and reasoning."
Stewart's Gay Dog
Stewart was gay so he taught his dog to be gay, too. He poured Miller Hi Life into the dog bowl and rubbed him underneath. Then Stewart put on a soul record and covered himself in peanut butter. He didn't stick his head out of the car window, anymore. He drooled on the backseat; the dog did, too.
"It’s not illegal for two male dogs to do it," Stewart told a co-worker, and it doesn't even look different."
Stewart thought it was silly to neuter an animal but his mom wanted to get the dog fixed. She was uncomfortable seeing it get excited so she put black tape over the ding dong like it was the blade of a hockey stick. "Get a room," she said.
Once Stewart saw blood in the toilet bowl at his mom's house; he decided he would always be gay but was unsuccessful. "Early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise," the man on the TV told Stewart, so he set his alarm for 5:30a. Even with the alarm set it was difficult to wake up early so Stewart joined a group; he knew it was easier to accomplish one's goals in the company of like-minded well-wishers.
"Not only is it gratifying to be helping others improve their productivity and quality of life, but having friends similarly committed helps keep me motivated and on track," Stewart told the imaginary interviewer at lunch on Wednesday. The interviewer looked like he was half-something and had a chin like Bruce Campbell. There were long golden hairs on his gray tweed jacket from his Labrador Retriever. "That's a big dog," Stewart thought.
"It’s not illegal for two male dogs to do it," Stewart told a co-worker, and it doesn't even look different."
Stewart thought it was silly to neuter an animal but his mom wanted to get the dog fixed. She was uncomfortable seeing it get excited so she put black tape over the ding dong like it was the blade of a hockey stick. "Get a room," she said.
Once Stewart saw blood in the toilet bowl at his mom's house; he decided he would always be gay but was unsuccessful. "Early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise," the man on the TV told Stewart, so he set his alarm for 5:30a. Even with the alarm set it was difficult to wake up early so Stewart joined a group; he knew it was easier to accomplish one's goals in the company of like-minded well-wishers.
"Not only is it gratifying to be helping others improve their productivity and quality of life, but having friends similarly committed helps keep me motivated and on track," Stewart told the imaginary interviewer at lunch on Wednesday. The interviewer looked like he was half-something and had a chin like Bruce Campbell. There were long golden hairs on his gray tweed jacket from his Labrador Retriever. "That's a big dog," Stewart thought.
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