Stewart Shuffles off to Buffalo (part 2)

The police put Stewart into a holding cell with several other men. Stewart was nervous and had to defecate in the toilet in front of everyone.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” a 16 year old kid asked Stewart. Stewart looked away and gulped, “well, you seem kinda young, what are you doing in here?”
“I took this kids jacket. What?” he yelled in Stewart's face; his breath smelled like malt liquor.

In the interrogation room the policemen asked Stewart about hitting the homeless person with his car. Stewart tried to answer but he was crying and couldn’t breathe. One of the cops was wearing a Buffalo Bills jersey and a thick mustache, “And what do we have here?” he asked as he removed a skinny joint from a large manila folder containing Stewart’s property. “You’re going away from a long time, asshole,” the other cop said; he was wearing a Buffalo Sabres jersey and also had a mustache.

Later, the public defender told him it was good that he didn’t say anything because the prosecution’s only witness was a transient old woman who claimed that her Cabbage Patch doll had seen the whole thing. “It’s inadmissible,” the lawyer told Stewart, “and they can’t really arrest you for having a catnip cigarette.”
“I wanted to look cool at the Gin Blossoms concert but marijuana makes me feel really weird,” Stewart explained.

After being released Stewart drove directly to the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in Ontario. As he was originally going to the Gin Blossom’s concert he hadn’t packed swim trunks, so he wore his blue jeans. At the top of the big slide a man in a speed-o and a bathing cap introduced himself as Teddy, “my friends call me Teddy bear,” he told Stewart, “you can call me Teddy bear.”

“Anthony Robbins is a faggot,” Teddy told Stewart, “and I’ll tell you what, he don’t know dick about shit. Anybody who goes to those self-help conferences is probably a queer faggot.”

“You know what you should do, buddy, you needa get yourself the Bible, you don’t need none of that fake fire-walking bullshit. I have an extra Bible in my car for you, Stewart,” Teddy told Stewart as the water park closed. Teddy drove a late model Ford pick-up. “That’s a Hemi in there, Stewart,” he bragged.

In the dark parking lot, Teddy handed Stewart the Bible and then grabbed the side of his face and started kissing him. Stewart put his arms around Teddy and Teddy pulled away and punched Stewart in the face, “fucking faggot! I knew it, gimme that book.” Teddy grabbed the Bible and then pushed Stewart to the ground and kicked him in the ribs when a group of people approached a car parked a few spaces down. Teddy jumped into his pick-up, yelling, “you see what happens when you mess with the Teddy bear, faggot. Now, you see! Whoa!” then he spit on Stewart and drove away.

After sleeping thru his alarm Stewart awoke in his hotel room with a pounding headache, soar ribs and a black eye. There was a voice mail on the hotel phone from the platinum blonde with the scorpion tattoo on her lower back, “I’m looking for a loser named Stewart; this is Lorna form the ads at Big Mack’s Adult bookshop. Sewart better call me back or else.” Stewart got excited. He called her back but got the answering machine, again.

Having slept thru the morning session of the seminar Stewart drove toward downtown hoping to catch the second-half; however, he passed a movie theater that was showing Lethal Weapon 2 and decided to see the film, instead. Stewart bought Skittles at the concession stand and noticed that the cashier had platinum blonde hair. When she bent over to get the Skittles her sweater rode up her back and Stewart caught a peek of a scorpion tattoo on her lower back.

Stewart felt unable to breath and could hardly speak. “Thanks,” he whispered when she handed him the Skittles: she had long silver nails with diamonds embedded in them; he wondered if they were real. He stood paralyzed by the public phones trying to gather the courage to say something.

In the middle of Lethal Weapon 2, while Mel Gibson was being outrageous, brave and caring, a very tall man sat next to Stewart. After a few minutes the man spoke to him, “Stewart, why don’t you just say hello to her?” The man was almost seven feet tall and looked jut like Tony Robbins in the dark theater.
“Tony Robbins? Is that you?” Stewart asked.
“I go by many names, Stewart. What really matters is that you realize that I am within you and that the power that you see in me, is your power, your personal power,” the man responded.
“My friend Teddy says you’re gay.” Stewart replied.
“I appear in many different forms according to one’s level of understanding. The wise person sees me in all things and all things in me. The key to personal power is to feel my presence within. Would you like to feel me inside you, Stewart?” the man asked.

Stewart rose from his seat and ran into the lobby to the concession stand. “Lorna? I’m Stewart!” he told the cashier. “Meet me at 4:30, right here,” she ordered him.

At 4:30 Stewart met Lorna and they went back to her place. She had all sorts of gadgets and contraptions that he had never seen before and she tied him up and blackened his other eye; Stewart was smitten. “I’m only gonna charge you half,” she told him afterward; one hundred and twenty dollars.

After packing his things at the hotel, Stewart called Tito, who was sitting in his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I have a girlfriend!” he told Tito. “Oh really, what’s his name?” Tito responded and continued, “Dude, I only got ten minutes for break, I don’t have time for your bullshit stories,” Tito replied.
“No, seriously she’s totally hot – she’s has a tattoo of a scorpion on her lower back.” Stewart countered.
“She probably has AIDS.” Tito said.
“She doesn’t have AIDS,” Stewart said.
“Oh, man now my car phone probably has AIDS on it, from your slutty girlfriend.” Tito continued, “I gotta go, my mom said not to talk to people with AIDS, dude.”
“Dude, take it back,” Stewart demanded.
“Gotta go dude, the dishes are piling up.” Tito told him.

Airport security took Stewart into a small room for questioning on account of his two black eyes. Stewart explained the circumstances and he was released, with the warning, “domestic abuse is very serious, young man; you ought to look into some counseling.”

On the plane, the flight attendant announced that the in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold. “Sweet, everything’s coming up Stewart!” Stewart congratulated himself. The man sitting next to him was reading Awakening the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. “Hey, did you go to the seminar?” Stewart asked him. “Changed my mother fucking life, bitch,” the man assured him.
“He canceled the afternoon session today?” Stewart asked.
“No, he didn’t cancel shit,” the man answered.
“But I saw him at Lethal Weapon 2, at 1:30, he sat next to me and gave me some great advice,” Stewart said.
“No, he didn’t,” the man explained, “because he was holding it down at the convention center all afternoon. And I would advise you not to talk any more shit about Tony Robbins or I’ll kill you and then I’ll sue you for a million dollars, biotch.”