Stewart defeated his dog nearly every game at Tic Tac Toe and was anxious to test his mastery against someone else. He challenged his mom but she was busy watching her favorite soap, Fourth Horseman: the main character, Dakota just had an abortion because she discovered that the father was the surviving half of a conjoined twin separation. Stewart sat and waited while Dakota, feet still in the stir-ups, made-out with the abortion doctor .
“I’m watching my stories,” Stewart’s mom shouted so he went into the kitchen and threw skittles into the air and caught them in his mouth. “One day you’re gonna choke on them skittles, then what?” she scolded him. A commercial for Tony Robbins came on the TV and she exclaimed, “ooh, he’s almost seven feet tall!” The commercial showed a barefoot Robbins wearing tan trousers and a blue blazer,walking on hot coals; then it showed him on a yacht wearing aviator sunglasses and said he would be in Buffalo on the following Wednesday.
From the airport on Wednesday, Stewart called his mom and asked her to call his office and tell his boss that he was sick. She refused so he called Tito, his best friend, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat of his Monte Carlo SS smoking a Parliament Menthol. “Dude, I gotta get back; dishes don’t up and wash themselves. You think I got all day?” Tito complained. “Pretty please,” Stewart persisted.
The in-flight movie was Fool’s Gold starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and an actor with great muscle definition. “When I get home,” Stewart told the old woman sitting beside him, “I’m gonna buy a weight bench.” The in-flight entertainment system broke down mid-flight and Stewart was left to wonder if the good guys would find the gold before the bad guys and if Goldie Hawn’s daughter would ever have sex with the fit actor.
After landing in Buffalo, Stewart proceeded to the Dollar Rent-A-Car desk. “I need something economical – good thing the cars only cost a dollar here,” Stewart smiled at the pretty young woman who was chewing gum behind the desk. “Driver’s license, please,” she responded. After getting the keys, Stewart shyly asked her to accompany him to the Gin Blossoms concert; Stewart had purchased an extra ticket in case he met someone special on his trip. She declined because her cat was “really, really sick.”
On the drive to the motel the radio played Jealousy, Stewart’s favorite Gin Blossoms song. Then another of his favorite songs, More Than Words by Extreme played and Stewart cried.
In the motel lobby Stewart found a brochure for the Great Wolf Lodge Indoor Water Park in nearby Ontario: 82,000 feet. He asked the desk guy if he wanted to go to the Gin Blossoms show but the desk guy, who was black, responded, “Who? What?’
On his way to the concert Stewart hit a homeless man with his car while he was tuning the radio. He sped away from the accident and parked in a K-Mart parking lot for 35 minutes before calling the police from a pay phone.
“I just saw a bum get hit by a car,” he explained but he didn’t know the names of the streets. The police man hung up on him. Stewart drove back to the scene of the accident and saw blood on the ground but the homeless man was gone. There was an adult book store on the street; Stewart went inside to look around.
At the back of the book store was a bulletin board with ads from local people looking for sex partners. One ad showed the back side of a platinum blonde woman with a scorpion tattoo on her lower back which said, “Dominant woman seeks submissive virginal man…” Stewart ran out to the payphone and called the phone number, “My name is Stewart and I have two tickets to see the Gin Blossoms tonight if you wanna go...” he left a message on the machine. Stewart stood at the payphone and waited for 25 minutes when the police picked him up for questioning.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Stewart Goes to the 24 Hour Veterinarian's
Stewart goes to the 24 Hour Veterinarian’s
It had been three months since Stewart bought the bottle of Fahrenheit cologne at the mall kiosk but was yet to get laid. The mailman accidentally spit on him on Wednesday; Stewart was standing in the rose bushes below the porch and the spit landed on his Rolling Stones Steel Wheels Tour t-shirt. "I didn't see you there, Stewart," the mailman explained but Stewart thought he sounded insincere.
At church Stewart prayed that he would get laid or at least find someone to perform oral sex on him. "I think I would be more productive at the office and I wouldn't fight with my mom as much…" he bargained with God through the intercession of Saint Jude. He paid one dollar and lit a candle. As he stared into the candle he saw a vision of Mel Gibson giving birth to a crucified child underwater.
The priest saw Stewart weeping and tried to console him, "what is the matter, my son? Are you gay, again?"
"No," Stewart explained, "Thanks to the retreat I am no longer repulsed by the idea of having sex with a woman. I love boobs, now."
"And your dog?" the priest asked.
Stewart's dog choked on his own vomit on the second Wednesday in April. They went to the emergency room but the receptionist sent everyone (Stewart, his mom, his dog and the reporter) to a 24 hour veterinarian's office located in an old house that smelled like a barn. The fluorescent lights hummed overhead. Stewart's mom was wearing oversized Umbro soccer shorts and the faux-leather couch stuck to her fat thighs and made a peeling noise when she stood up.
The receptionist wore a white lab coat so she could conduct experiments when she was not answering the phone. Stewart smiled at her thinking, "this may be the woman I will have sex with." The doctor arrived after 40 minutes and he smelled like alcohol but he did a professional job. He examined Stewart's dog and even put his gloved index finger into his rectum up to the knuckle; the dog made a strange noise like a ship's horn in the fog. Finally, he prescribed a selective semantic nuero reuptake capitulator which cured the animal. A hundred and thirty bucks.
Stewart eventually taught his dog to play Tic Tac Toe by using cardboard cut-outs of X's and O's that he rubbed in between pieces of liverwurst. In an imaginary interview on Wednesday Stewart's dog told the reporter: "A person doesn't even have time to play out one hundred games in the mind and still make a move in a reasonable amount of time. However, a human can compensate with experience and reasoning."
It had been three months since Stewart bought the bottle of Fahrenheit cologne at the mall kiosk but was yet to get laid. The mailman accidentally spit on him on Wednesday; Stewart was standing in the rose bushes below the porch and the spit landed on his Rolling Stones Steel Wheels Tour t-shirt. "I didn't see you there, Stewart," the mailman explained but Stewart thought he sounded insincere.
At church Stewart prayed that he would get laid or at least find someone to perform oral sex on him. "I think I would be more productive at the office and I wouldn't fight with my mom as much…" he bargained with God through the intercession of Saint Jude. He paid one dollar and lit a candle. As he stared into the candle he saw a vision of Mel Gibson giving birth to a crucified child underwater.
The priest saw Stewart weeping and tried to console him, "what is the matter, my son? Are you gay, again?"
"No," Stewart explained, "Thanks to the retreat I am no longer repulsed by the idea of having sex with a woman. I love boobs, now."
"And your dog?" the priest asked.
Stewart's dog choked on his own vomit on the second Wednesday in April. They went to the emergency room but the receptionist sent everyone (Stewart, his mom, his dog and the reporter) to a 24 hour veterinarian's office located in an old house that smelled like a barn. The fluorescent lights hummed overhead. Stewart's mom was wearing oversized Umbro soccer shorts and the faux-leather couch stuck to her fat thighs and made a peeling noise when she stood up.
The receptionist wore a white lab coat so she could conduct experiments when she was not answering the phone. Stewart smiled at her thinking, "this may be the woman I will have sex with." The doctor arrived after 40 minutes and he smelled like alcohol but he did a professional job. He examined Stewart's dog and even put his gloved index finger into his rectum up to the knuckle; the dog made a strange noise like a ship's horn in the fog. Finally, he prescribed a selective semantic nuero reuptake capitulator which cured the animal. A hundred and thirty bucks.
Stewart eventually taught his dog to play Tic Tac Toe by using cardboard cut-outs of X's and O's that he rubbed in between pieces of liverwurst. In an imaginary interview on Wednesday Stewart's dog told the reporter: "A person doesn't even have time to play out one hundred games in the mind and still make a move in a reasonable amount of time. However, a human can compensate with experience and reasoning."
Stewart's Gay Dog
Stewart was gay so he taught his dog to be gay, too. He poured Miller Hi Life into the dog bowl and rubbed him underneath. Then Stewart put on a soul record and covered himself in peanut butter. He didn't stick his head out of the car window, anymore. He drooled on the backseat; the dog did, too.
"It’s not illegal for two male dogs to do it," Stewart told a co-worker, and it doesn't even look different."
Stewart thought it was silly to neuter an animal but his mom wanted to get the dog fixed. She was uncomfortable seeing it get excited so she put black tape over the ding dong like it was the blade of a hockey stick. "Get a room," she said.
Once Stewart saw blood in the toilet bowl at his mom's house; he decided he would always be gay but was unsuccessful. "Early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise," the man on the TV told Stewart, so he set his alarm for 5:30a. Even with the alarm set it was difficult to wake up early so Stewart joined a group; he knew it was easier to accomplish one's goals in the company of like-minded well-wishers.
"Not only is it gratifying to be helping others improve their productivity and quality of life, but having friends similarly committed helps keep me motivated and on track," Stewart told the imaginary interviewer at lunch on Wednesday. The interviewer looked like he was half-something and had a chin like Bruce Campbell. There were long golden hairs on his gray tweed jacket from his Labrador Retriever. "That's a big dog," Stewart thought.
"It’s not illegal for two male dogs to do it," Stewart told a co-worker, and it doesn't even look different."
Stewart thought it was silly to neuter an animal but his mom wanted to get the dog fixed. She was uncomfortable seeing it get excited so she put black tape over the ding dong like it was the blade of a hockey stick. "Get a room," she said.
Once Stewart saw blood in the toilet bowl at his mom's house; he decided he would always be gay but was unsuccessful. "Early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise," the man on the TV told Stewart, so he set his alarm for 5:30a. Even with the alarm set it was difficult to wake up early so Stewart joined a group; he knew it was easier to accomplish one's goals in the company of like-minded well-wishers.
"Not only is it gratifying to be helping others improve their productivity and quality of life, but having friends similarly committed helps keep me motivated and on track," Stewart told the imaginary interviewer at lunch on Wednesday. The interviewer looked like he was half-something and had a chin like Bruce Campbell. There were long golden hairs on his gray tweed jacket from his Labrador Retriever. "That's a big dog," Stewart thought.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
vacation
We drove into town like two Spanish embassadors: a small chinese dog and
faux burberry umbrellas under each arm
and the incessant rain felt like like a pina colada (with a meyer's floater)
poured down the back of my shirt
and listened to the old dog across the street howl with the ambulance as we tried to fall asleep beneath the glow of the late show,
"Whooooo?," cried the ambulance,
"Whooooooooooo?" cried back, the dog.
And in vain you read my fortune from across the room, as I lay on the sofa with a pillow on my head.
We looked into long tail pipes as if into the throat of a dying (full size) poodle, who had just swallowed your last thousand dollar pinky ring
Which I told you would happen.
But instead of throwing the weekend away, we ordered champagne from the deli on the corner.
The Polynesian singer brought a pail of ice and two plastic flutes to our room
and I tipped him a dollar (was it enough?)
The windows were locked because I had called the concierge in advance.
and warned them you would try to jump out.
Did you read the pamphlet the mayor had published?
It said: suicide is against the law, and will not be recorded.
I waited at the space needle like an asshole, while you made out with the sou chef at the museum. Sure he ordered a blush and bought you a salad, but I was carrying your bag and your dog and at the least you might've called. anyway, I appreciate the Mondrian post card and the pictures of Andy Warhol but I still wish it had been me rather than him, there with you.
I know you went to the king's cremation in Capitol Hill. You took a handful of ashes, and I know because I looked in your coat.
I feel like you owe me for that day.
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